Surreal is the word I'd use to describe last night. It was a moment I've dreamed of forever, but never really understood how it would feel until it actually happened.
Last night, November 12, 2014 - Four years and five months after saying "I do" - Ethan and I found out we're going to be parents. And we couldn't be more excited!
We made the decision to come off birth control back in late August with the intention of "really trying" after our cruise in October. Funny thing is - I'm pretty sure we got pregnant on that cruise! But let me back up a little more, just for my own memories sake.
My first period off the pill was horrible. I actually missed my tiny green pill that made me feel so great. I had no idea that little pill did so much for my body and how much it worked! I also began tracking after that first period. I took my temperature. I tracked days. I took ovulation tests. I looked for signs and clues my body was giving me to let me know when it was time.
But that's where I got discouraged. My temperature fluctuated every day. I never got a positive ovulation test. And when my period was a week late - the negative pregnancy tests were just frustrating and annoying. I continued to track knowing that my body was just trying to regulate and adjust to life without my pill. I knew it took the average couple up to a year to conceive, so I was trying my best not to get my hopes up and get even more discouraged or stressed. But when you tell yourself not to stress - that's when you stress the most.
I completely missed my period in October and I 100% chalked it up to my body readjusting. Nowhere in my mind did I think "missed period = pregnant." My mom had a cycle that was every other month, so I was convinced I'd have a super long cycle and we'd only get 6 chances a year to start a family.
So October came and went with no period. No symptoms of pregnancy, no symptoms of PMS. Honestly I was super frustrated with my body and just wanted my period so I could get on with tracking and counting the next set of days! I took my last pregnancy test on October 31 and when that one showed up negative I gave up on pregnancy tests. I told myself I was the type that ovulated once every two months like my mom and was not taking another test until my expected period around Thanksgiving.
So fast forward about a week. I started doing my ovulation tests again on what would have been Day 8 of my cycle had I had my period. I mostly did it for tracking purposes in case one day I needed all the data I could about my body. To my surprise, I got my first semi-positive looking ovulation test on November 7th. I was so excited! Maybe my body had figured it out! So, of course.. we took advantage of that positive test and went on with life. I tested again on the 11th, just because. I figured if it were negative, then I had "my window." But to my super surprise this one's test line showed up super dark and super fast! I wasn't used to the tests showing up so fast! Normally I would take it, then leave it on the counter for at least 10 minutes! This one showed up immediately! Now I was feeling so hopeful! Things were working!!
I told Ethan that in my "how to get pregnant fast book" that once you get a positive test, it's best to have sex 3 nights in a row. He knew his job! Haha! When I got home from work yesterday (11/12) I took another ovulation test. Mostly out of curiosity. I had read that ovulation tests can sometimes double as pregnancy tests if you're far enough along. I took the test and BAM super positive again! Also, my BBT had been elevated for over 10 days and I remembered my friend telling me that's how she knew she was pregnant. Your body temperature stays elevated.
I told Ethan my news and he was adamant about me taking a real pregnancy test. "The expensive ones," he says. I didn't want to take a test. I liked being blissfully unaware either way. Not knowing was better in my mind than actually knowing it was a no. I'm a realist that verges on pessimist. I liked not knowing. But my Ethan, he wanted to know.
So after dinner we rode up to Walmart to buy "the expensive ones." I was a nervous wreck the entire time. I was about to know. Like for real know. We even bought me a pint of ice cream for later. Both of us were pretty convinced it would be negative. I kept asking "then why do I need to take a test if you think it's negative." Mostly just to know. For sure. For real. No more speculating. No more wondering.
I know it's best to take tests in the morning, but since we bought the Clearblue Advanced tests that had 3 tests in the pack, we didn't mind "wasting" one. If it showed up "not pregnant" then I'd test again in the morning like I was supposed to. I asked Ethan if he wanted to be with me as I read it. He said he didn't care. So I took the test, set my timer on my phone for 3 minutes, and left the room. Neither one of us was going in the bathroom until my phone went off.
The three slowest minutes of my life crawled by.. I was actually putting a load of laundry in the wash when I heard the timer going off. I called to Ethan and we both made our way to the bathroom, but he cut me off before I could get to the test. He was the first one to look at it. His face showed nothing. He looked at me through the mirror and said with his thumb covering the results window, "you want to see what it says?"
At this point I was pretty sure Ethan was just being a jerk. He knew it said "not pregnant" and he was toying with me. But when he turned around and removed his thumb - "Pregnant, 2-3 weeks" greeted me. I couldn't believe it. My husband was holding a test that said "pregnant." I was pregnant. There was a life inside me. I teared up. We hugged and kissed. I teared up some more. And we hugged and kissed some more!
The rest of the night was filled with smiles and more tears. We googled my due date and read up on all the things about our little baby, which according to my test I'm about 4-5 weeks along. Baby M is the size of a poppyseed! And we should know if baby is a little miss or mister come mid February. :) We talked about when we'd tell everyone. How we'd tell everyone. How bad we needed to move. How I felt like it was a girl and how Ethan really wants a boy. I looked at Christmas cards about "our growing family" on Etsy and refrained from going Pinterest crazy on my baby board.
But most of all I've just cried and praised God for the little life He'd given us. I know my journey was a fast one and I don't take that for granted at all. I know so many people struggling and it breaks my heart. I pray for my friends that are trying to start a family on a daily basis. That God would bless them with the little one their heart desires. I didn't sleep well last night and every waking moment was spent praying for my little one. Praying for safety, health, and growth. I prayed for our child. It's still kind of surreal.
Ethan kissed me goodbye this morning and called me Mommy. I've also cried about 8 times since then. I cried praising God in the shower. I cried listening to a song. With lyrics like "I'm on top of the world now" how could I not cry? My mood is literally on top of the world!